The commercialism of it all. “Gratitude journaling (here’s a link to one of my *affiliate link* favourites)”. As if you need a special book to write your gratitudes in? Write it in any old notebook, or your notes app, or even just think about it for a few minutes! Why must everything be a product you need to buy.
I love this. I talked about my anxiety about aging with my therapist this week and she sent me a podcast (lazy genius) where the woman used the line “you can’t fix and internal problem with an external solution.” It has made me think a lot. I’m not sure yet how to accept or kindly navigate aging internally, but I really liked this phrase because maybe I can pause and ask myself if I am trying to fix an internal problem with an external solution.
My mom is a teacher and has recognized for a few years now how there is a clear divide between young teenage girls: those who focus on their appearance perform worse academically, while those not so preoccupied with their looks tend to focus on their academics more and thus perform much better, are better critical thinkers, etc. It‘s scary that it starts so young, these girls are 12-15! It also contradicts feminist takes that women can look stunning while also girl bossing their way to high paying careers and all that—there are only 24 hours in the day, if a girl is spending 2 on beauty and not learning something for school, it will cost her!
This has been on my mind consistently for the last couple of years. It blows my mind to see 10 y.o talking about their latest Sephora splurge and what their rate is comparing it what their favorite tik-toker showed. The effort and MONEY they put into skin care and make-up. 13 y.o forcing themselves into pilates because it's what's trending and, therefore, what will for sure make them look good... and then of course how this makes me, a 20-something-woman, question if I am truly taking care of myself, if I'm applying enough masks, if I'm taking enough trips to Sephora (because of course, you MUST get the newest product for everything)...and then it just makes you feel kind of overwhelmed...sad maybe? To think that wellness and glow-ups could have one and an only meaning....which is to "look pretty". But standardly-pretty.
I adore this so much. I am always tempted by beauty routines and yet know that, at my core, that’s not where I find joy. Like you I love a little self care night with a sheet mask and a candle and a book (and who can deny the absolute bliss of an everything shower!) but also we are all (men included) excellent at “wasting time” in ways that aren’t seen as productive. The constant jokes of men spending hours on the toilet with their phones or being hyper obsessed with gym culture and so spending hours every day working out! I love the notion of re-contextualizing it all and saying if doing a full glow up beauty routine is what brings you immense joy, I love that for you! And if your joy comes from a quick morning/ evening routines so you can get a few more minutes with your book (🙋🏾♀️) I love that just as much!
Despite the ever-present advice that you should start anti-aging regimens before you actually see the signs of aging, nothing stops aging.
Instead, anti-aging culture steals women's time, confidence, and power right as they come into wisdom. The fact the femininity overvalues youth is part of patriarchal dominance. It allows younger women to disavow and undermine the experience and wisdom of older women by pitting youthful beauty over age.
During the pandemic, I finally gave up all the trappings of femininity and beauty labor that I had held onto, even though I was skeptical of their utility: makeup, feminine fussy clothes, long well-kempt hair, fussy feminine shoes, regular shaving of non-feminine hair (belly, legs, butt). I came out of the pandemic a fully butch queer who isn't hiding the fact that I'm aging.
Here's what I found out:
1) I look apparently 10 years younger with a butch haircut and no makeup. I'm almost 40. So many people don't realize how much this beauty labor is actually aging us.
2) Not that I care much, but Cis men are still, shockingly, attracted to me, and the ones who are into my butch personality and appearance tend to be much much much better lovers and partners (because being openly attracted to gender nonconforming women means they are likelier to have investigated other societally-driven preferences that harm their ability to meet women they are attracted to.
3) Women are WAYYYY more into me now. This makes sense. I look very gay.
4) All people are more tolerant of my gruff/masculine/no nonsense personality. My feminine appearance communicated an apparently willingness to adhere to feminine social norms - like politeness, agreeableness, and deference - which was never true. Therefore, I got punished in myriad ways for not adhering to the norms my appearance communicated. Now, people pretty much know I'm a difficult woman from the outset.
I think more people critiquing beauty culture need to address the Lavender Menace in the room - i.e., queer women. Too often, I think straight feminists ignore gay women and gay relationships because they don't fit neatly into these critiques, which I understand.
But, I want to encourage you to engage with it full on, because differences between queer women and straight women do a good job to highlight how much of "beauty culture" is actually patriarchal bullshit.
And, as someone who came out at 30, let me tell you: aging as a queer woman is night and day different than aging as a straight woman. 40-55yo lesbians on app dating in my area all have disclaimers on their profiles that say "People under 35: I'm flattered but the age gap is too much." That's how attractive they are to young queer women in the prime of their lives. Isn't this the opposite of what purportedly happens to 40yo women?
As a gay woman, you get more attractive as you age, just like men do. There's so much respect and thirst for older gays. Lots of tubby, gorp-core, dorky, gray-haired 55-year-old dykes get laid like crazy. I can't wait to be a hot elder butch.
Queer aging has the potential to show us the possibilities of dignified aging without patriarchy.
Jesus, I needed to read this. Just deleted TikTok for a bit because I was exhausted and constantly overwhelmed feeling like I was being doing life all wrong. It's all commercialism and capitalism on steroids, leading us like the Pied Piper to the promised land where we can be "perfect".
WTF is a skincare routine? Wash, moisturize, sunscreen in the am, done, it's not difficult and all that other stuff is just marketing crap (said in GenX who still gets carded because I skipped plucking my eyebrows to death and tanning beds in the 90s voice 😂)
Influencer marketing is so insidious, like for these people being beautiful IS their job, they get these products sent to them and then convince other people to buy them. It's a grift!!
The pressure to glow up is so strong I’m only 24 and my friends and I are already studying our faces for wrinkles (we have only a few) trying to figure out at what point we hit our “expiration date” in the eyes of the world
The commercialism of it all. “Gratitude journaling (here’s a link to one of my *affiliate link* favourites)”. As if you need a special book to write your gratitudes in? Write it in any old notebook, or your notes app, or even just think about it for a few minutes! Why must everything be a product you need to buy.
I love this. I talked about my anxiety about aging with my therapist this week and she sent me a podcast (lazy genius) where the woman used the line “you can’t fix and internal problem with an external solution.” It has made me think a lot. I’m not sure yet how to accept or kindly navigate aging internally, but I really liked this phrase because maybe I can pause and ask myself if I am trying to fix an internal problem with an external solution.
My mom is a teacher and has recognized for a few years now how there is a clear divide between young teenage girls: those who focus on their appearance perform worse academically, while those not so preoccupied with their looks tend to focus on their academics more and thus perform much better, are better critical thinkers, etc. It‘s scary that it starts so young, these girls are 12-15! It also contradicts feminist takes that women can look stunning while also girl bossing their way to high paying careers and all that—there are only 24 hours in the day, if a girl is spending 2 on beauty and not learning something for school, it will cost her!
This has been on my mind consistently for the last couple of years. It blows my mind to see 10 y.o talking about their latest Sephora splurge and what their rate is comparing it what their favorite tik-toker showed. The effort and MONEY they put into skin care and make-up. 13 y.o forcing themselves into pilates because it's what's trending and, therefore, what will for sure make them look good... and then of course how this makes me, a 20-something-woman, question if I am truly taking care of myself, if I'm applying enough masks, if I'm taking enough trips to Sephora (because of course, you MUST get the newest product for everything)...and then it just makes you feel kind of overwhelmed...sad maybe? To think that wellness and glow-ups could have one and an only meaning....which is to "look pretty". But standardly-pretty.
So needed!! Loved this💫
This is one of your best 👏
I adore this so much. I am always tempted by beauty routines and yet know that, at my core, that’s not where I find joy. Like you I love a little self care night with a sheet mask and a candle and a book (and who can deny the absolute bliss of an everything shower!) but also we are all (men included) excellent at “wasting time” in ways that aren’t seen as productive. The constant jokes of men spending hours on the toilet with their phones or being hyper obsessed with gym culture and so spending hours every day working out! I love the notion of re-contextualizing it all and saying if doing a full glow up beauty routine is what brings you immense joy, I love that for you! And if your joy comes from a quick morning/ evening routines so you can get a few more minutes with your book (🙋🏾♀️) I love that just as much!
Despite the ever-present advice that you should start anti-aging regimens before you actually see the signs of aging, nothing stops aging.
Instead, anti-aging culture steals women's time, confidence, and power right as they come into wisdom. The fact the femininity overvalues youth is part of patriarchal dominance. It allows younger women to disavow and undermine the experience and wisdom of older women by pitting youthful beauty over age.
During the pandemic, I finally gave up all the trappings of femininity and beauty labor that I had held onto, even though I was skeptical of their utility: makeup, feminine fussy clothes, long well-kempt hair, fussy feminine shoes, regular shaving of non-feminine hair (belly, legs, butt). I came out of the pandemic a fully butch queer who isn't hiding the fact that I'm aging.
Here's what I found out:
1) I look apparently 10 years younger with a butch haircut and no makeup. I'm almost 40. So many people don't realize how much this beauty labor is actually aging us.
2) Not that I care much, but Cis men are still, shockingly, attracted to me, and the ones who are into my butch personality and appearance tend to be much much much better lovers and partners (because being openly attracted to gender nonconforming women means they are likelier to have investigated other societally-driven preferences that harm their ability to meet women they are attracted to.
3) Women are WAYYYY more into me now. This makes sense. I look very gay.
4) All people are more tolerant of my gruff/masculine/no nonsense personality. My feminine appearance communicated an apparently willingness to adhere to feminine social norms - like politeness, agreeableness, and deference - which was never true. Therefore, I got punished in myriad ways for not adhering to the norms my appearance communicated. Now, people pretty much know I'm a difficult woman from the outset.
I think more people critiquing beauty culture need to address the Lavender Menace in the room - i.e., queer women. Too often, I think straight feminists ignore gay women and gay relationships because they don't fit neatly into these critiques, which I understand.
But, I want to encourage you to engage with it full on, because differences between queer women and straight women do a good job to highlight how much of "beauty culture" is actually patriarchal bullshit.
And, as someone who came out at 30, let me tell you: aging as a queer woman is night and day different than aging as a straight woman. 40-55yo lesbians on app dating in my area all have disclaimers on their profiles that say "People under 35: I'm flattered but the age gap is too much." That's how attractive they are to young queer women in the prime of their lives. Isn't this the opposite of what purportedly happens to 40yo women?
As a gay woman, you get more attractive as you age, just like men do. There's so much respect and thirst for older gays. Lots of tubby, gorp-core, dorky, gray-haired 55-year-old dykes get laid like crazy. I can't wait to be a hot elder butch.
Queer aging has the potential to show us the possibilities of dignified aging without patriarchy.
Interesting perspective.
Its so capital esc!!! I can't unsee it now
Jesus, I needed to read this. Just deleted TikTok for a bit because I was exhausted and constantly overwhelmed feeling like I was being doing life all wrong. It's all commercialism and capitalism on steroids, leading us like the Pied Piper to the promised land where we can be "perfect".
WTF is a skincare routine? Wash, moisturize, sunscreen in the am, done, it's not difficult and all that other stuff is just marketing crap (said in GenX who still gets carded because I skipped plucking my eyebrows to death and tanning beds in the 90s voice 😂)
this is literally what i do! takes 5 mins of my morning hahaha!
So thorough and clever and empathetic!!! Love this 💛💛💛
That Zadie Smith quote resonates
It’s insane. And we are primed from birth to do all this crazy stuff.
Influencer marketing is so insidious, like for these people being beautiful IS their job, they get these products sent to them and then convince other people to buy them. It's a grift!!
Thank you for this insightful brilliant and true post. I want to share with all the women in my life.
The pressure to glow up is so strong I’m only 24 and my friends and I are already studying our faces for wrinkles (we have only a few) trying to figure out at what point we hit our “expiration date” in the eyes of the world